facial hair

It has come to that point in the winter when the average person starts recalling hot summer days with nostalgic, altogether too graphic descriptions of pouring sweat. When the remembrance of a heat haze drifting upwards of the white-hot cement brings a smile to the lips. When pit-stains were in fashion. The icy wind whipping at the face forces a connection with days when people began making up new gods to pray to for a warm breeze. The silent, cold nights make a man long for the stifling warmth of a bedroom less the air-conditioning to save on electricity.
It is at this point that the male gender is forced to make a decision in his life. Let the facial hair grow, or cut if off. Now, this might seem like a simple choice. Either look ragged, or look clean cut. Some people can pull off a rockin’ beard, but most of us just look silly. But there are some hidden cons to be found in looking foolish.
For one, if it’s been a windy day, and you’ve been spending a lot of time outside, chances are your skin is dried to about the same consistency as a few of the more recent Pharaohs. The last thing you want to do is take a really sharp razor… or five, in the case of the Gilette Fusion… to your face. Cue the blood, the tears, the bumps and the curses. And then, once you have shaved (and applied a liberal amount of any kind of lotion you can find), when you go back outside, you no longer have that line of defense against the wind. It’s like a prairie. The wind whips away at the ground, and tried to erode the soil. If you cut the grass to short, it rips up your roots and turns the land into dry, scratchy desert.
Second is warmth. Sure, you could walk around with some kind of cotton fabric rubbing and chafing against your skin all day. Or, you could grow the beard. It’s the body’s natural insulation (aside from that holiday weight you put on). The wilder you grow that facial hair, the more skin you cover. It’s a Snuggie for you face. All the warmth, with none of the hassle.
Third, conformity. Walk around and look at all the ridiculous beards and mustaches. Shaving makes you stand out, in the frigid depths of winter. Do you really want to be “that guy” who is so worried about looking good that he sacrifices warmth and comfort? Sure, maybe you shave for a job, but if you’re not working, or your boss doesn’t care, I defy you to present another argument for shaving that doesn’t involve some kind vanity. It’s a case of the looks to survival ratio. You can only look so good without sacrificing your ability to realistically survive the temperatures, but at the same time, you can only look so ridiculous before your friends decide it is no longer socially acceptable to be seen in your presence.
With these thoughts in mind, I have decided to lead a movement. No Shave November should be extended and repurposed. From now on, men should have the option to participate in Stop Shaving till Spring. If it’s cold, this facial hair aint getting cut.